Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Hear me out, don't judge me just yet. Remember the good book said we should not judge lest we be judged and how we've all sinned and fallen short? I am pretty much crawling on my belly now, that's how far I've fallen.

We all like to think we're beyond certain things. We read about how people steal and kill their brothers and stuff, like you, I used to look down my nose at them and ask myself and anyone how people can do stuff like that. Till I became one of those people.

Wait, don't imagine the worst yet, I didn't kill my brother, I'd never do that, I think. I got rid of a fusion of gametes, I don't like to think of it as a child.

I started dating Godson 3 years ago. Not to be clichéd but I was drawn to him from first sight. It was in the Lord's house. Yes, we're only supposed to think of heavenly things and pray, and I was attempting to do that when I saw him and my thoughts took a different turn. My family is pretty religious, we spend so much time in the church that I often wonder why my parents rented our 3 bedroom flat. Monday to Sunday we are in church for one program or the other, unfortunately, that doesn't make us saintly. I think that those who spend all their days in the church are there because they have committed so much wrong, they're afraid to exist in the outside world for fear of the evils they'll commit. 

I'm the second daughter and I have 6 sisters. My parents were trying out for a boy, but I guess God had other ideas. We're a fairly comfortable family, by that I mean we've never had to go begging from family or strangers for food. Maybe it's because we eat so little, we fast 3 times a week, so what a family would consume in a week, we eat for 2 weeks. Perks of fasting you see.

If I go into all the details of my family lifestyle,  it will take too long and I need to discuss this before I go crazy from keeping it in. Points to note are that we're very Conservative and do not wear manly clothes like shorts and trousers, we don't use hair extensions on our hair, neither do we use store-bought lotion either, we have a church sister that makes us some natural herbal lotion that only has an offensive smell for the first few minutes after it's applied. Perfume is made of chemicals, so we must avoid it.

I was 17 the first time I met Godson, he was just a little older at 27. He had just transferred to our parish from the other side of the country. He is the kind of person that you can almost touch the holiness in him, not those parading their faux holiness like Surely who is always trying to see up our skirts and whispers in our ears from behind in an attempt to see down our blouses. He's just shy of 6 feet, so not much taller than me although he seems bigger, maybe because of how ethereal he is.

When he joined the choir, I joined as well. It didn't matter that I can't sing, I knew they wouldn't turn me away, and I ended up playing the drums. I didn't mind because every service felt like a Concert for us, with him singing and me adding melody to his singing.

We started dating a year later, it took a little manipulation from me, but the end justifies the means. The first time we kissed was very disappointing. I was his first real kiss, I refuse to count that chaste pecks on the lips he used to havewith his former girlfriends. I taught him how to kiss like a man is supposed to kiss a woman, and how to do other things too. He tried to teach me how to be like him, but dark overpowered light this one time.

We dated for a few months before he had to move again for work and it'd been really hard being without him. I don't go to church as often as I used to when I was younger, I've gone to university and seen first-hand all the beautiful things they kept me from when I was shackled by the church. I have been liberated and I wasted no time in making up for a lost time, amongst the things I discovered is sex and it wasn't with Godson.

Godson would never desecrate his holy body with something as carnal as fornication, trust me I've tried. So I found it elsewhere. The first time it happened I felt so guilty, that I couldn't look him in the eyes on our nightly video calls. I pretended to have no light at night as I was so sure if I looked at him and I'd have spilt my guts. That was a year ago, now I can video call him and look into his eyes and act like nothing happened even 20 minutes after.

Karma caught up with me and my period was late, and it'd never been late. I used to wish I was like one of those whom stress affected their periods so it came a few days later than expected. It took me a few days to work up the courage to do a pregnancy test. I ran to Google of course to see if there could be other reasons why it was positive.  Fear makes you think and act irrationally. I told no one for the first few days after I found out, then I had to tell him, of course, the him I referred to wasn't Godson, I wasn't that irrational.

He took me to a pharmacist who gave me some pills with instructions. Nothing prepares you for the volume of blood that accompanies the tiny human. For the first 3 days, I was using an average of 10 pads a day. I was like the biblical woman with the issue of blood. All I could perceive was blood, I refused to go out for fear that everyone would be able to perceive the blood on me.

I woke up on the 4th day in a private hospital I lost consciousness and he had to carry me there.  I can imagine how scared he was, he thought I'd died and his life as he knew it was over. I am grateful he didn't run away or worse dump my body in a ditch never to be found. We couldn't tell the doctors the truth, but I could tell from their pitying looks and sympathetic eyes that they knew what we'd done.

I went back home with more drugs, drugs that were supposed to make sure I didn't die with the child. The drugs worked and I haven't died yet, at least my body hasn't died.
I haven't felt anything since the day I started the drugs from the pharmacist, not the intense pain from my body ejecting that child, not even guilt from all the wrong I'd done. Just numb. I haven't cried yet, I'm scared that if I start I won't be able to stop. I don't feel like going to school anymore, and I can't go home either.  So, I just sit on my bed most days, thinking. I feel like I've aged 50 years, I overhear my roommates talking about what I used to enjoy talking about, and doing what I used to enjoy too and I can't join in.  They are like children to me, while I'm the old wasted one.

I've read blog posts and stories of women who have done a lot more, as many as 6 abortions and I don't know how they deal with this nonfeeling, this numbness. I can't discuss this with them because only someone that's been through this that can understand it. I don't need their pity or judgement.

I'm telling you all this because I feel like I have to tell someone, a stranger like you. I have to confess to someone. I can't tell my pastor because my pastor is also my father and I do not think he can separate church from family.